10 things that are f*cking annoying (Lifestyle Guide)

Ten things that bug the crap out of me. And probably you too.

1). The over-use of the word ‘legend’. This term is applied to every D-lister after five minutes of fame for tenuous skills and little discernible talent.

2). ‘Reaching out’. If I encounter this again I am going to reach through my screen and slap the offender with a wet fish.

3). The ‘wow factor’. Thankfully this appears to be slowly dying off. Good.

4). People getting called out. What happened to being accused or challenged? Called out should only be used when you are 16 and involved in a dance or rap battle, not on the TV news.

5). Cyclo drivers who shout at you as you attempt to cross a busy road in the Old Quarter. I have had a couple of close calls due to their distractions. Satisfyingly, they seemed to get the message I was not best pleased at almost getting run over.

6). Bars or cafés where you ask for two bottles, they bring four and open all of them. Grrr. [This may or may not have been Vietnam. Curiously, I can’t quite recall where.]

7). Miserable bastard expats that will barely grunt at you even when you share the same apartment block. It really doesn’t take a lot of effort to reply to hello ffs.

I was in a hostel in Auckland once. There was me, a Scotsman; two Germans, a Finn, a Dutch woman and a Englishman. Who was the long-faced sod that didn’t speak to anyone for two days?

To be fair, I have many English friends, and they are all quite chatty.

8). Manky toilets. I can put up with a lot but I do like a nice WC. Sadly you can’t always pre-judge the toilets merely by the decor of the restaurant. I was forced to beat a retreat recently. The light didn’t work and, from what I could tell in the gloom, the facilities were not that far removed from the toilet scene in Trainspotting. I decided I really wasn’t that desperate after all.

9). Expats that are horrid to street sellers. Do you think they would be doing it for a living if they had a choice? A smile and a no thank you doesn’t cost anything at all.

Okay, apart from over-persistent shoe repairers who spot an imminent mission-critical malfunction with your previously serviceable footwear.

10). Expats who complain about how shit Vietnam is: ‘This is wrong, that’s not the way we do it at home, blah, blah.’

If you don’t like it the answer is simple: book a flight and fuck off home you whiny little b*tch.

Oh dear, I seem to have gone a wee bit Frankie Boyle on you there. Never mind, I feel a whole lot better now.