Cell phones are a marvelous invention, it’s a shame they haven’t been around for longer. They could well have changed the course of human history. Let’s listen in to some of these imagined phone calls.
But before for going too far back in time, here’s a recent phone call involving the orange baboon in the White House.
Donald John Trump: Hey, Ivanka! How you doin’ babe?
Ivanka Trump: Great, Dadster. How can I help you today?
Donald John Trump: Just want to ask you something. Those protesters – is it ‘An-Tifa’ or ‘Aunty Fa’?
Ivanka Trump: It’s ‘Anti-Fa’. Short for anti-fascist.
Donald John Trump: Cool. Just wanted to make sure you knew…click.
And how might events have played out ultimately if this had happened?
Brutus: Yoh, big guy! You going to the senate today?
Julius Caesar: That’s the plan. Why do you ask?
Brutus: Me and the lads have something for you.
Julius Caesar: That’s nice. What is it?
Brutus: It’s a surprise.
Julius Caesar: Oh, goody. I love surprises.
Julius Caesar hangs up and shouts for the Imperial Praetorian Guard.
Bath or beer?
Meanwhile in Ancient Greece, Aristotle is getting ready for a bath. His cell phone rings. “Why is it whenever you’re heading to the bathroom the phone rings?” he asks rhetorically.
Aristotle: Hello, Ari here.
Caller: Wasup, man? Me and the guys are having a beer. Get your butt down here now.
Aristotle: Well, actually, I was just about to take a bath.
Caller: You’ll be alright the way you are, man. See you in five….
Aristotle hangs up. Looks around for his wallet and keys.
The face of Europe would be quite different if this phone call had inadvertently interrupted Napoleon in a Paris strategy conference with his generals. Napoleon’s cell phone rings. He glances at it on the table. “Sorry, mes amis, I better take this…”
Napoleon picks up his phone and walks over to the window.
Napoleon: Darling, what I have told you about phoning me at work?
Josephine: Nap, don’t be mad. Do you miss me?
Napoleon: Of course, babe. Every day.
Josephine: Good. Because I don’t want you leaving me to go on another of those boys’ holidays. I am fed up of you trudging all round Europe and the desert, or wherever it is you go with your so called mates.
Napoleon: Sorry, Jo. I better go.
Josephine: No, Nap, come home I miss you. We can play Monopoly. I will let you be the boot.
Napoleon: Mmmm. When you put it like that….you little minx.
Our entire childhood, too, could have been radically altered by a prank call.
On the set of Tom and Jerry. “Cut!!! Whose phone is that ringing? Is that yours Tom? Again! Really, darling?”
Tom retrieves his phone from his pocket.
Tom: Sorry, I am busy right now. I should have put my phone on silent. Who is this? (He doesn’t recognise the number).
Butch: Ha,ha,ha. It’s me
Tom: What the hell, Butch? Stop prank calling me when we are filming.
Butch: Listen, knuckle head, this is for your own good. You are about to get hit in the kisser with a frying pan.
Tom: What? What are you on about?
Butch: You ought to read the scripts before you turn up. You are never going to win. It’s a frying pan today. Tomorrow it’s an anvil. You ought to pack it in and get a job with those funky Czech animators I was telling you about.
Tom: Thanks for the heads up, dude. I will tell this director where to stick it right now.
What other inventions might have changed the course of history had they been invented a lot sooner? We can only wonder.